HI, INNERNET. I have a new friend I’d like to introduce you to. His name is RawkDaHawdCore, and you can find his OkCupid profile RIGHT FRIGGEN HERE. He is RIDICULOUSLY ATTRACTIVE:
Oh yeah he doesn't look like a dirty mountain man at all.
He is obviously gorgeous, charming, AND, a poet. His OKCupid journal holds some of the most beautifully moving words I’ve ever read:
my birthday is today. woo.
i’m going to go riding and then eat some pizza. possibly go to the mall.
of course, what i’d like to do is trip balls and look at art, but hey……
Our friend RawkDaHawdCore, clearly, is a TOTAL WINNER. And when I say “TOTAL WINNER,” I don’t mean in the Michael Phelps 8 for 8 kinda way. No, I mean “TOTAL WINNER” in the “My eyes just rolled down the street from the amount of sarcasm currently seeping from this blog post” kinda way.
RawkDaHawdCore is, for all intents and purposes, a douchebag. CASE CLOSED.
My friend, J, is a beautiful girl. She is also maybe a LITTLE too friendly and trusting when dealing with psychos on the internet, because she gave THIS moron the benefit of the doubt when he started talking to her on OKCupid. If it had been me, I would have immediately blocked him after seeing him on my stalker list, let alone before any lines of communication had been formed. But I am also going to die alone, so you know… whatever.
Anyway, apparently while having a lovely chat this afternoon, RawkDaHawdCore had a question to ask J, and this is the hilarity that ensued:
rawkdahawdcore: hey, you can fit through a turnstile, right?
Oh yes, friends and lovers. He asked that. BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE:
J: shut up.
rawkdahawdcore: what!?!?!?!?
rawkdahawdcore: that was an honest question!
rawkdahawdcore: you know what they say about internet cameras
rawkdahawdcore: i’m not really a big dickhead
rawkdahawdcore: i’m just sarcastic
rawkdahawdcore: but i really do want to make sure that you can fit through a turnstile
rawkdahawdcore: because what if i took you to a museum or something in the city
rawkdahawdcore: and when we’re trying to get on the subway
rawkdahawdcore: they had to open the gate for you to walk sideways through
rawkdahawdcore: that would be embarassing
rawkdahawdcore: and instead, i would just suggest we take a cab
rawkdahawdcore: you know?
rawkdahawdcore: i’m going to stop now
J: are you serious?
This guy was 100% serious when he asked my beautiful friend, who actually doesn’t have any “angles” photos on her profile and DOES have a completely full-body photo on her profile, if she was TOO FAT TO FIT THROUGH A SUBWAY TURNSTILE.
I think I should also mention that J IS NOT FAT. I’m not saying that cos she’s my friend and I love even my fat friends blahblah. No. I am saying this because she is physically NOT FAT. She is average sized. She could fit through a turnstile with room to spare, people. That, in addition to the fact that she is GORGEOUS and has the most amazing hair I’ve ever seen, and can kill you with just a glance from her perfectly liquid-lined eyes.
Internet, I beg of you. In what WORLD is it okay to be so crude, especially to someone with whom you wish to GO ON A DATE? What a charmer!
J brought this discussion to the site we mutually play on, and while many of the women involved in the discussion were LIVID at the nerve of this guy, who clearly has some REAL issues if he can’t even function socially on the INTERNET, a few of the guys felt it was a valid question to ask.
Excuse me? Listen. I love you, internet people. I really do. I understand that a lot of people involved in online dating sites sometimes bend the truth when it comes to posting pictures that may represent the way they looked 2 years and 50 lbs ago. This happens. It’s one of the perils of online dating. HOW.EV.ER. There are plenty of non-offensive ways to find out the truth about someone.
GENTLEMEN. I HAVE SOME TIPS FOR YOU:
- Asking someone if they are TOO FAT TO FIT THROUGH A TURNSTILE is not a good way to find out if their pictures are real. That IS, however, a very good way to NEVER GET A DATE AGAIN.
- If you’re that invested in finding out how someone really looks BEFORE the actual date, you can try simply asking them to trade more photos. In the age of iPhones and Flickr, it’s not hard to persuade a girl into trading flirty pictures right at the moment.
- Still not convinced? Invite them to a video chat.
- No video chatting? You can try BEING HONEST and asking them how old their photos are. Simple, and way less rude than the turnstile thing.
Hopefully, our friend RawkDaHawdCore (whose name is really getting annoying to type) will realize his douchebag ways and learn how to interact with women in the future, so he doesn’t come off looking like a DUMBASS.
RawkDaHawdCore. On the toilet. Because all self-respecting men looking for a date post photos of themselves on the toilet.
Well…. maybe not.
——-
In COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS, Kimmy Falcon and I have started a joint blog. We’re not sure what we’re gonna do with it yet, but I predict a lot of hilarity and a lot more Olympics Hotties. And YES THE HOTTIE POST WILL BE UP THERE SOMETIME SOON, I FRIGGEN PROMISE.
In the mean time, go visit and check us out at:
ASPIRATIONS OF OLYVIL.
Bringing you hotties and other fun stuff every day until 2012.
My friends swear buy OkCupid, but I’ve had similar experiences. I guess this is why the other sites charge $30 a month to match you up with someone.
Ughhh exactly. OkCupid is FREE, but that’s why theres so many completely undesirable DOLTS on it, basically.
I enjoyed this blog mightily.
Just want to point out that I am not the “J” in question, although many may have already gathered that from the facts that I am neither a particularly gorgeous woman nor able to fit through a turnstile.
is he jerking off?
Oh my god. I could slowly hammer away at this douchebag’s douchey face for a whole year. What a douchebag. Can you fit through a turnstile? You’re right, that’s definitely not the way to get a date. In fact, he may just want to go ahead and lower his standards and begin asking around for who can’t fit through a turnstile. By the way, I like your knew bloggy look.
Kim — GAG. i think so.
Menda — THANK YOU, SEXY.
-j. — excuse me YES YOU ARE A PARTICULARLY GORGEOUS WOMAN, according to THIS.
I … sound drunk.
What I’m doing with my life
Me and my friend rawkdahawdcore run an illegal prostitution ring for necrophiliacs. So, in other words, we’re ladykillers.
ZING.
I wonder what r.d.h.c.’s dating profile was. I’m gonna guess Last Man on Earth.
hahaha i just googled his sn and realized that this shit was on here. he did get a date by the way!
Oh thank goodness! I was so worried!