Hi, internet. You may have noticed that I don’t really post much here anymore. That’s because I have roughly 18 other blogs that I post on more frequently. YEP. I’ve actually moved this blog over to my personal domain, so if you’d like to keep up with my nonsense, here’s a handy dandy list of places to find me:

I’m not gonna delete this blog, mostly cos I don’t know how, but also cos I don’t have a good reason to until I become embarrassed by this WAHAHAH. Yeah. But it was fun posting here for a while and I hope you’ll follow me on one of the many other places where I blog.



hawtlineCan I just say how much fun this show was? Like, seriously, Bizzy is amazing. I don’t even have anything to say other than that.

OUTTAKES ARE COMING SOON, most likely. Although I said that about one of the other shows and then I never did it because I’m a jerk :C NO BUT SERIOUSLY, outtakes soon! Maybe at the beginning of next week! HAH. No, uhhhh I’m gonna stop typing now.


  • Bizzy is amazing.
  • TWIGBy finally names his dong.
  • Bizzy speaks in a Kirsty-inspired accent and it is seriously the best thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
  • We talk a lot of crap.
  • Goats? And other farm animals? Seriously?
  • Other stuff.


Music featured in this episode:

  • Human League — Don’t You Want Me
  • Franz Ferdinand — Michael
  • Sophie B. Hawkins — DAMN! I Wish I Was Your Lover (AHAAHAHA)
  • A DOOMSTICK-inspired mini-track by the wonderful Jay Def

NEXT EPISODE, we have an exclusive interview with Bon Jovi, we do Sailor Moon RPG, and someone ties a pregnant TWIGBy to a wall!

So, it’s my birthday. I have nothing planned. IT’S A LONG STORY, OKAY? I think I’m gonna see Star Trek with my mom and my dad is taking us to dinner afterwards. PLEASE, CHEECH, GIVE ME SUSHI. I HAVE NOT HAD SUSHI IN SO LONG.

This is what my life has become. Hanging out with my parents because I basically cut off every friend I ever had out of sheer embarrassment from not having a job for so long. Wonderful.

Anyhow, I got the cutest little birthday box in the mail from my bff -j. on GTI, and I wanna show it off, because he is always so creative and hilarious, and I basically died laughing when I opened it up.


Inside was:

  • a printed SEXY MORMON MENZ CALENDAR card thingie.
  • A DEGRASSI CARD WTF. Notice Marco’s WE ❤ PHRO hoodie, and my face pasted over STUPID ASHLEY. omg.
  • C E L I S S E Birthday candles. Apparently they ran out of L’s and E’s, so -j. got B’s and chopped them apart and melted them back together, LOLOLLLLL.

It’s so sweet. I love my GTI friends when they are not totally making me want to vomit on them out of anger. <3.

Also, my iPhone is so greasy what the hell!

Thank you, -j. 🙂 You’re the best!

Good morning, internet! I’m back today with the newest edition of The HAWTLINE. This week TWIGBy and I interviewed the lovely Emm from GTI and together we created the most positively massive episode thus far, not to mention the amount of porn we discussed was just.. ridiculous.

Emm is awesome and this show was a lot of fun! Since it was a little longer than usual, I cut the show into two parts to make it easier to listen to. Each part is just around 40 to 45 minutes, so yeah HUGE show — I’m gonna try to keep future shows shorter but apparently I need to learn how to control content a little better! Hopefully cutting this one into segments will help some of you out, though.

ANYWAY, without further ado, this episode of the HAWTLINE, presented by Huggies Diapers, for the incontinent candy corn vampire in YOUR life.

Part One:

Part Two:


Music featured in this week’s episode :

  • Ambulance LTD — Stay Where You Are [myspace]
  • Rihanna — Pon de Replay [myspace]
  • Get Him Eat Him — Mumble Mumble [myspace]

I’m aware I’m pretty much in the minority on this one, but I love the everloving crap out of this movie. I have a thing for ensemble casts (Anthony Hopkins! Nick Cannon! Joshua Jackson!) and period pieces and historical events, so combine the three and you have my dream movie.

Also, the scene with Shia LeBeouf and Ashton Kutcher just demolished on LSD is hilarious.

My favorite scene is the bit in the kitchen, where Laurence Fishburne is talkin’ about his cobbler to the Mexican dude:

“See, the first few times I tried to make this dessert, I couldn’t get it right. Too much sugar one time, not enough sugar the next time — couldn’t find the balance. I realized I was forcing it. I was trying to make it taste like my Mama’s or her Mama’s. Mine didn’t have any poetry, didn’t have any light.

And then I realized I was trying to force it to taste like my mother’s, taste like her mother’s. See, it had to be Edward’s creation. It had to come from me.

Now you, Miguel. You’ve got shit to offer. You have no poetry, you have no light.

You’ve got no one looking at you and saying, ‘Damn, look at that Miguel. I want some of what he’s got.’ All you got is your anger.”

[Cross posted to my Tumblr. I thought it could be relevant to my ACTUAL SITE. Go fig.]

Laurishly posting about her visit to the Toilet Seat Museum with Mermaidofthesoil made me laaaaugh, cos it remindedme of this crazy little place on Hollywood Beach called The Le Tub Saloon.

South Florida Tumblrs — have any of you been to this place?

It’s genuinely hilarious. As a South Florida native and as someone who used to work on Hollywood Beach and has thus driven up and down that strip of land huuuuundreds of times, I can attest to the fact that it’s easy to miss this place. It’s on A1A, facing the intercoastal, and hidden by tons of lush greenery. It’s easy to spot once you know it’s there, but yeah, it’s a HIDDEN JEWEL, that one.

So, my best friend Karla and I got invited by our friend Martie to her boyfriend’s friend’s birthday party at Taverna Opa on Hollywood one night. I don’t remember the exact details, but after waiting around for, seriously, over an hour (we saw that effing conga line circle the building at least seven times), for some reason we were denied entry — as is just par for course when I go out with Karla.

Dejected, grumpy, and hungry, Karla is like, “Well, we can go to Le Tub, it’s just a couple blocks up.” And off we went.

This place, man. It’s a friggen gem. It appeals completely to Karla’s and my sense of humor. There are tubs, sinks, and toilets scattered throughout this place. It is completely outdoors. When we got there, there were probably 5 people total enjoying the effing place, completely deserted, and really, really dark.

So we sat ourselves at a big picnic table overlooking the intercoastal: Myself, Martie, her boyf, Karla, and her boyf at the time. I’m constantly a fifth wheel — whatever.


The server brings over some menus. They are hand printed. Haaaaaaand Priiiinted, on Xerox paper, with drawings scribbled on ’em. She then begins to list off all the items they don’t have available — which turns out to be most of the menu. Fabulous.

We ordered many rounds of beers and, like, french fries. We sat around and shrugged and giggled that this was a night that would only happen to us.

Then, it started to rain.

I mean, it couldn’t have been more perfect. Past midnight, sitting in the dark, surrounded by toilets, eating french fries and a lot of beer. In the rain.

To top it all off, they don’t take credit cards there, and I was the only homie with cash. The boys had to take turns walking to the nearest ATM (the one on premesis was busted, no joke), and I am almost positive that we all overpaid because attempting to split a check by cellphone light is pretty impossible.

So yes. Only on Hollywood Beach, basically. I give this place an A+++++ WILL DINE AGAIN (in bizarroland, maybe). But if you’re up for hilarious adventures, it’s definitely for you. Apparently they’ve got the best burger in America, or something. I wouldn’t know.

[Also, I don’t know what would possess someone to take a picture with their crying newborn under a toilet seat scrawled with the words “Le Tub Dumb Ass Club Newest Member,” but damn if Flickr doesn’t show me the most wonderful things.]

Okay, fine, not so mysterious considering everyone knows about it. But anyway here’s the new episode of The Hawtline with TWIGBy and me and our awesome guest, and I hope you enjoy! Thanks to everyone who contributed questions this week.

And I’m sorry that we talk a lot about boners, okay? I apologize.


Music featured in this episode includes:
  • N.A.S.A. by Futurecop
  • Train in Vain by The Clash
  • People Got a Lotta Nerve by Neko Case