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Excuse me. I forgot to blog this last night, but Kimmy Falcon informed me that OlyVil (Olympic VIllage, for the slow) handed out about ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND CONDOMS specifically for the athletes in Beijing. Roughly about 10 per athlete. HOLY SKEEZ. WE NEEDA GET IN ON THAT, SERIOUS.

According to this article at USAToday:

“There are many young, strong, single people in the athletes’ village and, like everywhere, some will fall in love or other things, so we need to make condoms available,” Ole Hansen, spokesman for UNAIDS China, told Reuters. “A lot of these young people are not married or in relationships so we want to make sure they have the information and tools to protect themselves if they have sexual encounters.”

So not to offend any athlete, the condoms are not put in rooms but are available at medical sights and at the athlete’s center.

I think it’s AWESOME that they’re promoting safe sex in Olympic Village, but I was really super hoping that they were handing out the 10 condoms in a nice gift pack upon arrival. Like, “HI, HOTTIES. WELCOME TO OLYMPIC VILLAGE. HERE ARE YOUR CREDENTIALS AND YOUR 10 CONDOMS AND MY PHONE NUMBER.”

Thats what I would have done, anyway…….. I want THAT job in London.

Are those the Olympic rings on display in Olympic Village? It looks more like a display of the RUBBER RINGS USED TO SHEATH OLYMPIC HAMMERS DURING DARK DARK NIGHTS IN BEIJING.

Are those the Olympic rings on display in Olympic Village? It looks more like a display of the RUBBER RINGS USED TO SHEATH OLYMPIC HAMMERS DURING DARK DARK NIGHTS IN BEIJING. HMMMM.

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Aside from being completely adorable, he also STOLE the Gold medal away from the Chinese favorite in the Men’s 10m Platform, completely destroying the Chinese Gold sweep of the Diving events.

In addition to that, just his reactions every time he saw one of his scores were just so genuine and truly adorable hahhaaha:

How excited was he? Poor Zhou Luxi must have been kicking himself in the face after he flopped his last dive. Whoops? Anyway, it was such a nice and unexpected end to the Diving events, I was really excited to be able to catch it before I fell asleep last night. I always root for underdogs, what can I say?

So cute.

So cute.

——

Right now I’m watching the closing ceremony to the games and I’m about to cry because GOD. By now we all know how much I love the Olympics and now I don’t even know what I’ll blog about instead. But in general, I’m so glad that I got to watch the WHOLE THING this year, and include my readers (few of you as there may be) in a little bit of my obsession.

I’m so proud of China. From the Opening Ceremony, all through the games, and up to this very moment during the closing ceremony, its so nice to see how things worked out. Everyone was so skeptical of the way China would handle the games, but they did so gracefully and exceeding everyone’s low expectations of them, and I’m happy.

OH GOD THERES A JOHNSON & JOHNSON COMMERCIAL WITH MOMMY PHELPS WITH PICTURES OF BABY MICHAEL AND THEYRE SO CUTE. I LOVE DEBBIE PHELPS. AWWW. God.

The athletes just all came out together and they all look SO excited to be there, even now that it’s over. I LOVE THE GUY WHO WAS JUST RECORDING THE WHOLE THING ON HIS LITTLE DIGITAL CAMERA HAHAHAHA. I would have been doing the same thing. And texting everyone back home with my iPhone.

SHAWN JOHNSON IS SO SMALL. SHE’S ONLY 4’9. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I love her.

This is ridiculous, guys. I want to go back to China, and I want to go to London in 2012 and volunteer and grope hotties and be happy.

OH LOOK AT THEM ALL SHOWING OFF THEIR MEDALS. HELL YEAH. I WOULD BE LIKE LOOK AT MY BRONZE, BITCHES. Yeah right, I would be like LOOK AT ME I GOT 18TH PLACE, BITCHES, BUT I’M HERE. Hahahaha look at Yao Ming. He’s got the best view outta everyone, man.

Yo why is there a medal ceremony going in the middle of the closing events? What? I must have missed something. OH its Marathon. That’s kinda hardcore, man, to get your medals in front of THE ENTIRE WORLD. Give or take.

I love that they’re replaying key moments of the games before commercials. WAH. Beijing 08 was epic. London has some mighty big shoes to fill, man.

——

CAN WE TALK ABOUT MILKY AND STEPHANIE RICE [allegedly] DOIN IT DOIN IT DOIN IT GOOD DURING THE GAMES THIS YEAR? According to this article: link. I am totally in favor of that, since I love them both. Stephanie Rice is about 200 times cuter than SKANKY AMANDA BEARD anyway.

CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT THIS HILARIOUS PICTURE OF STEPHANIE RICE AND EAMON SULLIVAN? OH MY GOD. LINK.

Kimmy Falcon(9:20:06 PM): wtf
Kimmy Falcon(9:20:07 PM): ahahah
Celisse (9:20:10 PM): haahahahahahha
Celisse (9:20:11 PM): the picture?
Celisse (9:20:13 PM): i died laughing
Kimmy Falcon(9:20:15 PM): yeah
Celisse (9:20:33 PM): i was just scrolling through and its boring boring and then its EAMON SULLIVAN IN A SUMO SUIT and i died.
Kimmy Falcon(9:20:58 PM): hahahahaha
——
I totally love the Olympic Hymn. Love.
So the Olympic flag was totally not cooperating during the handover and that made me LAUGH, cos I am a child.
YO ANSWER ME THIS, WHY IS LEONA LEWIS SO GORGEOUS? It’s pretty much unfair that that much hot can be set aside for only ONE PERSON. Jeez.
Kimmy Falcon’s thoughts on the London portion of the ceremony:
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:00 PM): david beckham should be on a bike
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:06 PM): aw its so british
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:12 PM): yo imagine that bus ran over those people
Celisse (9:36:20 PM): hahahahahahahaha
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:36 PM): WHERE ARE YOU BECKS
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:46 PM): they need to stop this weird interpretive dance
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:52 PM): i hope david beckham isnt wearing clothes
Kimmy Falcon(9:37:20 PM): this is weird
Kimmy Falcon(9:37:40 PM): pop out of the bus naked, becks!
Celisse (9:38:06 PM): HAHAHAH
Kimmy Falcon(9:38:10 PM): oh i guess hes not in the bus
Celisse (9:38:17 PM): LEONAAAAA
Kimmy Falcon(9:38:24 PM): did the announcer caller her ledona?
Kimmy Falcon(9:38:34 PM): holy fuck her dress
Kimmy Falcon(9:42:10 PM): OMG BECKS
Celisse (9:42:14 PM): SUP DAVID BECKHAM
Kimmy Falcon(9:42:15 PM): YOURE SO FREAKING HOT
Kimmy Falcon(9:42:21 PM): so much hot on one bus
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:25 PM): i went and saw david beckham this summer
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:29 PM): la galaxy
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:34 PM): it was sexy
Celisse (9:43:39 PM): ahahah
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:43 PM): times a million
Leona Lewis and her massive dress and hotness.

Leona Lewis and her massive dress and hotness.

——
Theyre doing the MEMORY TOWER thingie and seriously I am about to cry. WHY DO I GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS STUFF? omg. I am a ridiculous human.
I WANNA SING THAT BEIJING BEIJING SONG. Seriously.
Things the olympics makes me want to do:
1. Drink a lot of Coke.
2. Eat a lot of McDonalds.
3. Run 26.5 miles in 4 hours.
WHICH OF THESE THINGS DOESNT ACTUALLY HAPPEN, I WONDER. HM.
So, they just showed a short interview with Milky in London, and that was kinda random. I JUST HOPE HOPE HOPE HE DOES GET TO 2012. I will absolutely CRY if he pulls a Thorpe and retires in like 2010 or something. Bah.
Celisse (10:39:49 PM): DEBBIE
Celisse (10:39:54 PM): awwww
Celisse (10:40:10 PM): i want my mom to move to baltimore and work in debbie’s school and be her best friend
Celisse (10:40:26 PM): and then i can become friends with michael cos we’ll have dinner parties and i will invite the phelpsies
Celisse (10:40:27 PM): and then
Celisse (10:40:32 PM): he’ll bring his good friend ryan
Celisse (10:40:38 PM): and we’ll sneak into the coat room for some hot coat room sex
Celisse (10:41:08 PM): and that will be the beginning of our hot and sexy relationship, basically.
Kimmy Falcon(10:41:15 PM): thats elaborate
CelisseH (10:41:24 PM): well you know. these things need to be planned
MICHAEL PHELPS??? WITH CLOTHES ON?????? WHY?!

MICHAEL PHELPS??? WITH CLOTHES ON?????? WHY?!

This thing is gettin long and I am gettin tired of blogging so I am ending this here. I have to prepare myself for the debilitating depression coming within the next few hours, I’m sure. I’LL HAVE TO BRACE MYSELF BY WATCHING TONS OF GOSSIP GIRL AND FINALLY FINISHING THE HOTTIE POST I OWE YOU ALL.
Until then, I’d like to call upon the hotties of the world to reconvene in 4 years in LONDON, to be hot, and light up the world’s stage once again. That means you, Horton. AND LOCHTE<33333.
Short Hotties.

Short Hotties.

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I mean really. If the Olympics was college (and basically, it is), Amanda Beard would be that horrid bitch who wears fake purses and PRETENDS THEY’RE REAL! And drunkenly hooks up with everyone’s boyfriends at EVERY party but totally doesn’t remember it in the morning. And then comes back to the apartment at 4am and EATS EVERYTHING IN THE FRIDGE before passing out on the couch, snoring like a freight train?

Now that I think of it, I think I may have lived with Amanda Beard for a short period during Junior year….. TWILIGHT ZONE!

Amanda Beard doin' what she does best [which apparently is not swimming and is more like bein naked.]

Amanda Beard doin what she does best (which apparently is not swimming and is more like bein naked all the time)

Ignoring the case of the invisible nipples, let’s just talk about her recent interview on the Johnjay and Rich show in Phoenix, which, really, is more relevant and important than airbrushed nipples:

Meanwhile, Amanda also denied she was dating Phelps, saying, “Eww, that’s nasty… I have never, ever hooked up with Michael Phelps,” Beard said via telephone from Beijing on the “Johnjay and Rich Show,” which is broadcast on Kiss FM 104.7 in Phoenix.

“Come on, I have really good taste,” Beard said. “He’s really not my type.”

Asked how the poolside rumors made their way into London’s Daily Telegraph, Beard said she had no clue.

“We don’t even talk to each other,” she said of her relationship with Phelps.

[Full article can be found here.]

OH, OKAY. I GET IT. So in addition to being a skank, and probably only going to Beijing so she could party in OlyVil and attempt to live out her LOST YOUTH, she’s also kind of a HEINOUS BITCH? Holy jeez, what a triage of awesome.

I mean, I’m sure this entry is a little harsh and I don’t know the girl and blahblahblah I’m anticipating the stupid “OMG UR SO JEALOUSE” comments but GOD. Read that passage again and tell me that’s not just a bitchy thing to say in the public eye?

People are always criticizing Michael Phelps and saying that in real life he’s a gigantic douche, but everything I see from him just proves him to be kind of a modest, regular joe. It’s too bad more people in the spotlight don’t follow his example.

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I love Dayron Robles just cos of his COOL. ASS. GLASSES. Por ejemplo:
Dayron Robles, Olympic hurdler for Cuba

Dayron Robles, Olympic hurdler for Cuba

All those motherfuckers with their sporty assed sunglasses need to WATCH OUT cos Dayron Robles is comin through with his GRANDPA GLASSES. So hot. So hot right now.

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I so know this spot was supposed to hold a FONT OF HOTTIES by now. But jeez. I get all distracted by the 6, 8, and 12-packs. And then I have to eat pizza. And then I have to puke. But I am so so so so so working on it, ok? I haven’t forgotten the hotties.

But I never come empty handed, do I? No, I always come to you with gifts. SO here is your gift for this evening, friends and lovers:

I still have love for the Australian hotties. Seriously.

I still have love for the Australian hotties. Seriously. L-R: Eamon Sullivan, Libby Trickett, Grant Hackett, and Stephanie Rice

I think we need to have a moment of silence so we can just admire and appreciate the artistry that is Eamon Sullivan’s torso? I mean really. It deserves a medal just for existing. I’m gonna go take a moment right now. You know.. to do stuff. N things.

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I saw this posted someplace and I couldn’t help but share with the rest of you Phelps Phans. WAHAHAHAHA. PHANS. hahahamdfgkldfsd ok posting now.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Food Cop Michael Jacobson, here’s an excerpt from his wikipedia:

Jacobson is a vegetarian and sits on the national board of the “Great American Meatout.” He has said that “CSPI is proud of finding something wrong with practically everything.” Jacobson and his organization have criticized a wide variety of foods and beverages as unhealthful. He and CSPI frequently use colorful terms to emphasize their oppositionn to certain foods. What has been called the “food cop glossary” includes Fettuccine alfredo- “heart attack on a plate,” salt – “the forgotten killer,” sugary soft drinks – “liquid candy,” movie theater popcorn -“Godzilla of snacks,” fondue – “fondon’t,” ice cream – “coronaries in cones,” double cheeseburger – “a coronary bypass special,” appetizers – “the most treacherous territory on a restaurant menu,” Starbucks’ Venti Caffe Mocha with whipped cream – “a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in a cup,” Ruby Tuesday’s Fresh Chicken & Broccoli Pasta – “angioplasta,” Chipotle Chicken Burrito – “tortilla terror,” and Cheesecake Factory’s Chris’ Outrageous Chocolate Cake – “factory reject.” (Kathryn Masterson, “Food Cop: Love Him or Hate Him, Chicago Trib, 14 Oct 07)

Yeah. Sounds like a real barrel of monkeys, that one. GUYS, LETS ALL ADOPT MILKY’S DIET AND TELL THAT GUY TO SHOVE IT.

….you know, if we can actually get up and through the front door considering not all of us are as… athletic as Sir Phelps up there. Jeez.

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Dara Torres just got a silver. Is anyone else bored of her? Anyone? She’s from South Florida. It seems there are a lot of Olympians from here, but I guess I missed the memo. SIGH.

I just finished watching some hottie from Tunisia grab the gold in the 1500m Freestyle. FIFTEEN-HUNDRED, PEOPLE. THAT IS A LOT OF LAPS. But the really important thing to note here is that Tunisia has hotties! I didn’t even know that! Jeez. These are the things they should be teaching in 5th grade Geography and they just gloss over it, what the hell?  I’m outraged.

Apparently his name is Oussama Mellouli. Does anyone else find it slightly funny that NBC didn't list him as Oussama, but instead shortened his name to Ous? Wow.

Apparently his name is Oussama Mellouli. Does anyone else find it slightly funny that NBC didn't list his name as Oussama, but instead shortened it to Ous? Wow.

Next on the list of things my mother says that she just shouldn’t say: “The Bird’s Nest looks like a giant toilet seat.

AAAAAND that concludes tonight’s portion of things my mother says that she just shouldn’t say.

—–

They just did a small rundown of the people who are competing tonight in the Men’s 4x100m Relay. It’s gonna be Peirsol, Hansen, Phelps, and Lezak. Their biggest challenge is gonna come from Australia, of course. But we all remember what happened in the 2004 4×100 Relay, SOOOOOO I’m confident that our boys will hold it down. Plus, I think Milky might eat anyone who screws this up for him — GLARIN’ AT YOU, BRENDAN HANSEN.

I SEE NATALIE COUGHLINNNNN. I should write a song for her. If I was a lesbo, I’d be all over that, man. I have to admit, I’ve been slacking on paying attention to the women’s portion of events the past couple days, and I wasn’t sure if Katie Hoff was gonna be swimming in the last women’s relay. NBC tells me that she’s not, so THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

Speaking of Faily Hoff, I found this hilarious thread about her today, on some site called Killer Frogs. The link is right here. Some notable quotes:

“I saw one blogger theorize that she should be the new face of Fail Blog.”

….that was ME. Anyone else who said it should CREDIT ME or pay me royalties or something.

“that blogger should probably get off his fat [Deleted] and go try to medal in the olympic games….”

Look, I already said I’m gonna try to go for Trampoline, ok? What more do you people want from me? I don’t even want a medal. I just wanna be Lochte’s love slave, ok? Is that so much to ask? JEEZ.

Anyway, WOMEN’S RELAY WOMEN’S RELAY. Rebecca Soni is swimming in this one and she is just so cute. She’s apparently 21, she looks about 15, but still adorable. DON’T GO LOOKIN FOR BEAVER SHOTS JUST COS I MENTIONED HER NAME, PERVERTS.

Rebecca Soni in the center. This isn't from tonight's race but I had to show off the cute.

Rebecca Soni in the center. This isn

Australia grabbed the gold, with the US getting a silver and China getting a bronze. Where the hell did Chinese swimmers even come from, anyway? I don’t remember them being this dominating in 2004. Good job, China!

—–

MEN’S RELAY STARTS SOON. I HAVE TO PEE BUT I DON’T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING. I don’t know where Kim is but I hope she has her direct connect to Milky turned on now. I should turn on my direct connect to HANSEN AND YELL AT HIS ASS. Ugh. I will never forgive him.

AW Kobe and Lebron from the US Basketball team is in the stands to watch Phelps. CROSS-SPORT VOYEURISM. Love it.

THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY OUT. Let’s see who makes it to the blocks first. US GETS TO THE BLOCKS FIRST YES. I’m just kidding, that didn’t really happen.

Not gonna lie, I kinda have a crush on Jason Lezak. He’s pretty cute for an oldie. OH HEY, EAMON SULLIVAN. YOU SO CUTE. Just sayin’. TANCOCK IS SWIMMING IN THIS ONE WAAHAHAHA. Oh ew, so is Kitajima. That guy is a tool. Japan is in lane 3, USA in lane 4, Australia in lane 5. Oh jeez I’m getting nervous. After that race last night I don’t even know what to think. Milky is wearing the good luck half-suit, which is great.

OFF THEY GO. Peirsol is first for the USA. I love him. I have faith in him. He does a great job when he needs to. As of the 50m Peirsol is in first, breaking the world record. HANSEN IS IN. COME ON, BRENDY. DO IT FOR ME EVEN THOUGH WE’RE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS RIGHT NOW. He’s doing a good job. Still in the lead as of the 150m. UH OH JAPAN IS SNEAKING UP ON THE US. SO IS AUSTRALIA. UGH.

MILKY IS IN! YES! DOING THE BUTTERFLY. 250M AUSTRALIA IS STILL IN THE LEAD. MILKY IS MOVING AHEAD. USA BACK IN THE LEAD AS OF THE 300. YES. LEZAK IS IN. I’M SORRY I’M BLOGGING IN CAPS BUT I TEND TO DO THAT WHEN I’M EXCITED!

LEZAK STILL IN THE LEAD. SULLIVAN IS CREEPIN UP ON HIM I’M STARTING TO SCREAM THIS IS NOT GOOD. OMG OMG OMG OMG HYES YES YES USA GETS GOLD AUSTRALIA SILVER AND JAPAN BRONZE.

8 GOLD MEDALS EIGHT EIGHT EIGHT GOLD MEDALS IN ONE OLYMPIC GAMES.

HOTTIE RELAY PREVAILS YES.

Ohhhhh my Godddddddldkjgfnkdsgfnkldss I am so excited I could puke. This is so important for our generation, say what you will about the games being trivial or whatever. My mom’s been arguing with me all week about how Mark Spitz is from her generation and blahblahblah. Milky is our generation and Milky has staked his claim on the games for all of us. I’M GETTING SO SENTIMENTAL RIGHT NOW OMG SHUT ME UP RIGHT NOW. I’m gonna go look for pictures in an effort to shut up.

AWWWW THEY JUST SHOWED THORPEY IN THE STANDS. He looks CUTE, man. But he does not look happy. Sigh. Be happy, Ian. I still love you and that’s something to smile about!

Aaahahaha Jason Lezak just said he did it for Kobe and Lebron. NICE.

Congratulations tonight to Aaron Peirsol, Brendan Hansen, Jason Lezak, and especially Michael Phelps. 8 for 8.

Congratulations tonight to Aaron Peirsol, Brendan Hansen, Jason Lezak, and especially Michael Phelps. 8 for 8.

Oh PS, PS!! There’s a hottie post comin’ tomorrow! Leave me your suggestions.

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