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Posts Tagged ‘hotties’

I AM PRETTY SURE I PROMISED YOU GUYS A HOTTIE POST. CLICK CLICK CLICK.

Go check it out. I am ridiculously sleepy. GOODBYE.
Okay fine, since I cannot leave you empty handed, look at this before you click:

Mmmmm. Eamon Sullivans Torso.

Mmmmm. Eamon Sullivan's torso.

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HI, INNERNET. I have a new friend I’d like to introduce you to. His name is RawkDaHawdCore, and you can find his OkCupid profile RIGHT FRIGGEN HERE. He is RIDICULOUSLY ATTRACTIVE:

Oh yeah he doesn't look like a dirty mountain man at all.

He is obviously gorgeous, charming, AND, a poet. His OKCupid journal holds some of the most beautifully moving words I’ve ever read:

my birthday is today. woo.

i’m going to go riding and then eat some pizza. possibly go to the mall.

of course, what i’d like to do is trip balls and look at art, but hey……

Our friend RawkDaHawdCore, clearly, is a TOTAL WINNER. And when I say “TOTAL WINNER,” I don’t mean in the Michael Phelps 8 for 8 kinda way. No, I mean “TOTAL WINNER” in the “My eyes just rolled down the street from the amount of sarcasm currently seeping from this blog post” kinda way.

RawkDaHawdCore is, for all intents and purposes, a douchebag. CASE CLOSED.

My friend, J, is a beautiful girl. She is also maybe a LITTLE too friendly and trusting when dealing with psychos on the internet, because she gave THIS moron the benefit of the doubt when he started talking to her on OKCupid. If it had been me, I would have immediately blocked him after seeing him on my stalker list, let alone before any lines of communication had been formed. But I am also going to die alone, so you know… whatever.

Anyway, apparently while having a lovely chat this afternoon, RawkDaHawdCore had a question to ask J, and this is the hilarity that ensued:

rawkdahawdcore: hey, you can fit through a turnstile, right?

Oh yes, friends and lovers. He asked that. BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE:

J: shut up.
rawkdahawdcore: what!?!?!?!?
rawkdahawdcore: that was an honest question!
rawkdahawdcore: you know what they say about internet cameras
rawkdahawdcore: i’m not really a big dickhead
rawkdahawdcore: i’m just sarcastic
rawkdahawdcore: but i really do want to make sure that you can fit through a turnstile
rawkdahawdcore: because what if i took you to a museum or something in the city
rawkdahawdcore: and when we’re trying to get on the subway
rawkdahawdcore: they had to open the gate for you to walk sideways through
rawkdahawdcore: that would be embarassing
rawkdahawdcore: and instead, i would just suggest we take a cab
rawkdahawdcore: you know?
rawkdahawdcore: i’m going to stop now
J: are you serious?

This guy was 100% serious when he asked my beautiful friend, who actually doesn’t have any “angles” photos on her profile and DOES have a completely full-body photo on her profile, if she was TOO FAT TO FIT THROUGH A SUBWAY TURNSTILE.

I think I should also mention that J IS NOT FAT. I’m not saying that cos she’s my friend and I love even my fat friends blahblah. No. I am saying this because she is physically NOT FAT. She is average sized. She could fit through a turnstile with room to spare, people. That, in addition to the fact that she is GORGEOUS and has the most amazing hair I’ve ever seen, and can kill you with just a glance from her perfectly liquid-lined eyes.

Internet, I beg of you. In what WORLD is it okay to be so crude, especially to someone with whom you wish to GO ON A DATE? What a charmer!

J brought this discussion to the site we mutually play on, and while many of the women involved in the discussion were LIVID at the nerve of this guy, who clearly has some REAL issues if he can’t even function socially on the INTERNET, a few of the guys felt it was a valid question to ask.

Excuse me? Listen. I love you, internet people. I really do. I understand that a lot of people involved in online dating sites sometimes bend the truth when it comes to posting pictures that may represent the way they looked 2 years and 50 lbs ago. This happens. It’s one of the perils of online dating. HOW.EV.ER. There are plenty of non-offensive ways to find out the truth about someone.

GENTLEMEN. I HAVE SOME TIPS FOR YOU:

  • Asking someone if they are TOO FAT TO FIT THROUGH A TURNSTILE is not a good way to find out if their pictures are real. That IS, however, a very good way to NEVER GET A DATE AGAIN.
  • If you’re that invested in finding out how someone really looks BEFORE the actual date, you can try simply asking them to trade more photos. In the age of iPhones and Flickr, it’s not hard to persuade a girl into trading flirty pictures right at the moment.
  • Still not convinced? Invite them to a video chat.
  • No video chatting? You can try BEING HONEST and asking them how old their photos are. Simple, and way less rude than the turnstile thing.

Hopefully, our friend RawkDaHawdCore (whose name is really getting annoying to type) will realize his douchebag ways and learn how to interact with women in the future, so he doesn’t come off looking like a DUMBASS.

RawkDaHawdCore. On the toilet. Because all self-respecting men looking for a date post photos of themselves on the toilet.

RawkDaHawdCore. On the toilet. Because all self-respecting men looking for a date post photos of themselves on the toilet.

Well…. maybe not.

——-

In COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS, Kimmy Falcon and I have started a joint blog. We’re not sure what we’re gonna do with it yet, but I predict a lot of hilarity and a lot more Olympics Hotties. And YES THE HOTTIE POST WILL BE UP THERE SOMETIME SOON, I FRIGGEN PROMISE.

In the mean time, go visit and check us out at:

ASPIRATIONS OF OLYVIL.

Bringing you hotties and other fun stuff every day until 2012.

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Excuse me. I forgot to blog this last night, but Kimmy Falcon informed me that OlyVil (Olympic VIllage, for the slow) handed out about ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND CONDOMS specifically for the athletes in Beijing. Roughly about 10 per athlete. HOLY SKEEZ. WE NEEDA GET IN ON THAT, SERIOUS.

According to this article at USAToday:

“There are many young, strong, single people in the athletes’ village and, like everywhere, some will fall in love or other things, so we need to make condoms available,” Ole Hansen, spokesman for UNAIDS China, told Reuters. “A lot of these young people are not married or in relationships so we want to make sure they have the information and tools to protect themselves if they have sexual encounters.”

So not to offend any athlete, the condoms are not put in rooms but are available at medical sights and at the athlete’s center.

I think it’s AWESOME that they’re promoting safe sex in Olympic Village, but I was really super hoping that they were handing out the 10 condoms in a nice gift pack upon arrival. Like, “HI, HOTTIES. WELCOME TO OLYMPIC VILLAGE. HERE ARE YOUR CREDENTIALS AND YOUR 10 CONDOMS AND MY PHONE NUMBER.”

Thats what I would have done, anyway…….. I want THAT job in London.

Are those the Olympic rings on display in Olympic Village? It looks more like a display of the RUBBER RINGS USED TO SHEATH OLYMPIC HAMMERS DURING DARK DARK NIGHTS IN BEIJING.

Are those the Olympic rings on display in Olympic Village? It looks more like a display of the RUBBER RINGS USED TO SHEATH OLYMPIC HAMMERS DURING DARK DARK NIGHTS IN BEIJING. HMMMM.

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Aside from being completely adorable, he also STOLE the Gold medal away from the Chinese favorite in the Men’s 10m Platform, completely destroying the Chinese Gold sweep of the Diving events.

In addition to that, just his reactions every time he saw one of his scores were just so genuine and truly adorable hahhaaha:

How excited was he? Poor Zhou Luxi must have been kicking himself in the face after he flopped his last dive. Whoops? Anyway, it was such a nice and unexpected end to the Diving events, I was really excited to be able to catch it before I fell asleep last night. I always root for underdogs, what can I say?

So cute.

So cute.

——

Right now I’m watching the closing ceremony to the games and I’m about to cry because GOD. By now we all know how much I love the Olympics and now I don’t even know what I’ll blog about instead. But in general, I’m so glad that I got to watch the WHOLE THING this year, and include my readers (few of you as there may be) in a little bit of my obsession.

I’m so proud of China. From the Opening Ceremony, all through the games, and up to this very moment during the closing ceremony, its so nice to see how things worked out. Everyone was so skeptical of the way China would handle the games, but they did so gracefully and exceeding everyone’s low expectations of them, and I’m happy.

OH GOD THERES A JOHNSON & JOHNSON COMMERCIAL WITH MOMMY PHELPS WITH PICTURES OF BABY MICHAEL AND THEYRE SO CUTE. I LOVE DEBBIE PHELPS. AWWW. God.

The athletes just all came out together and they all look SO excited to be there, even now that it’s over. I LOVE THE GUY WHO WAS JUST RECORDING THE WHOLE THING ON HIS LITTLE DIGITAL CAMERA HAHAHAHA. I would have been doing the same thing. And texting everyone back home with my iPhone.

SHAWN JOHNSON IS SO SMALL. SHE’S ONLY 4’9. THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I love her.

This is ridiculous, guys. I want to go back to China, and I want to go to London in 2012 and volunteer and grope hotties and be happy.

OH LOOK AT THEM ALL SHOWING OFF THEIR MEDALS. HELL YEAH. I WOULD BE LIKE LOOK AT MY BRONZE, BITCHES. Yeah right, I would be like LOOK AT ME I GOT 18TH PLACE, BITCHES, BUT I’M HERE. Hahahaha look at Yao Ming. He’s got the best view outta everyone, man.

Yo why is there a medal ceremony going in the middle of the closing events? What? I must have missed something. OH its Marathon. That’s kinda hardcore, man, to get your medals in front of THE ENTIRE WORLD. Give or take.

I love that they’re replaying key moments of the games before commercials. WAH. Beijing 08 was epic. London has some mighty big shoes to fill, man.

——

CAN WE TALK ABOUT MILKY AND STEPHANIE RICE [allegedly] DOIN IT DOIN IT DOIN IT GOOD DURING THE GAMES THIS YEAR? According to this article: link. I am totally in favor of that, since I love them both. Stephanie Rice is about 200 times cuter than SKANKY AMANDA BEARD anyway.

CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT THIS HILARIOUS PICTURE OF STEPHANIE RICE AND EAMON SULLIVAN? OH MY GOD. LINK.

Kimmy Falcon(9:20:06 PM): wtf
Kimmy Falcon(9:20:07 PM): ahahah
Celisse (9:20:10 PM): haahahahahahha
Celisse (9:20:11 PM): the picture?
Celisse (9:20:13 PM): i died laughing
Kimmy Falcon(9:20:15 PM): yeah
Celisse (9:20:33 PM): i was just scrolling through and its boring boring and then its EAMON SULLIVAN IN A SUMO SUIT and i died.
Kimmy Falcon(9:20:58 PM): hahahahaha
——
I totally love the Olympic Hymn. Love.
So the Olympic flag was totally not cooperating during the handover and that made me LAUGH, cos I am a child.
YO ANSWER ME THIS, WHY IS LEONA LEWIS SO GORGEOUS? It’s pretty much unfair that that much hot can be set aside for only ONE PERSON. Jeez.
Kimmy Falcon’s thoughts on the London portion of the ceremony:
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:00 PM): david beckham should be on a bike
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:06 PM): aw its so british
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:12 PM): yo imagine that bus ran over those people
Celisse (9:36:20 PM): hahahahahahahaha
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:36 PM): WHERE ARE YOU BECKS
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:46 PM): they need to stop this weird interpretive dance
Kimmy Falcon(9:36:52 PM): i hope david beckham isnt wearing clothes
Kimmy Falcon(9:37:20 PM): this is weird
Kimmy Falcon(9:37:40 PM): pop out of the bus naked, becks!
Celisse (9:38:06 PM): HAHAHAH
Kimmy Falcon(9:38:10 PM): oh i guess hes not in the bus
Celisse (9:38:17 PM): LEONAAAAA
Kimmy Falcon(9:38:24 PM): did the announcer caller her ledona?
Kimmy Falcon(9:38:34 PM): holy fuck her dress
Kimmy Falcon(9:42:10 PM): OMG BECKS
Celisse (9:42:14 PM): SUP DAVID BECKHAM
Kimmy Falcon(9:42:15 PM): YOURE SO FREAKING HOT
Kimmy Falcon(9:42:21 PM): so much hot on one bus
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:25 PM): i went and saw david beckham this summer
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:29 PM): la galaxy
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:34 PM): it was sexy
Celisse (9:43:39 PM): ahahah
Kimmy Falcon(9:43:43 PM): times a million
Leona Lewis and her massive dress and hotness.

Leona Lewis and her massive dress and hotness.

——
Theyre doing the MEMORY TOWER thingie and seriously I am about to cry. WHY DO I GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS STUFF? omg. I am a ridiculous human.
I WANNA SING THAT BEIJING BEIJING SONG. Seriously.
Things the olympics makes me want to do:
1. Drink a lot of Coke.
2. Eat a lot of McDonalds.
3. Run 26.5 miles in 4 hours.
WHICH OF THESE THINGS DOESNT ACTUALLY HAPPEN, I WONDER. HM.
So, they just showed a short interview with Milky in London, and that was kinda random. I JUST HOPE HOPE HOPE HE DOES GET TO 2012. I will absolutely CRY if he pulls a Thorpe and retires in like 2010 or something. Bah.
Celisse (10:39:49 PM): DEBBIE
Celisse (10:39:54 PM): awwww
Celisse (10:40:10 PM): i want my mom to move to baltimore and work in debbie’s school and be her best friend
Celisse (10:40:26 PM): and then i can become friends with michael cos we’ll have dinner parties and i will invite the phelpsies
Celisse (10:40:27 PM): and then
Celisse (10:40:32 PM): he’ll bring his good friend ryan
Celisse (10:40:38 PM): and we’ll sneak into the coat room for some hot coat room sex
Celisse (10:41:08 PM): and that will be the beginning of our hot and sexy relationship, basically.
Kimmy Falcon(10:41:15 PM): thats elaborate
CelisseH (10:41:24 PM): well you know. these things need to be planned
MICHAEL PHELPS??? WITH CLOTHES ON?????? WHY?!

MICHAEL PHELPS??? WITH CLOTHES ON?????? WHY?!

This thing is gettin long and I am gettin tired of blogging so I am ending this here. I have to prepare myself for the debilitating depression coming within the next few hours, I’m sure. I’LL HAVE TO BRACE MYSELF BY WATCHING TONS OF GOSSIP GIRL AND FINALLY FINISHING THE HOTTIE POST I OWE YOU ALL.
Until then, I’d like to call upon the hotties of the world to reconvene in 4 years in LONDON, to be hot, and light up the world’s stage once again. That means you, Horton. AND LOCHTE<33333.
Short Hotties.

Short Hotties.

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I am terrible at writing blog headlines, honestly. They very rarely have anything to do with the actual post. Know why? It’s cos I’m friggen insane. Yeah. AND the TAN FROM HELL from my birthday has FINALLY worn off and I’m really pretty sad about it.

But insane as I may be, I do have a gift for you all, friends and lovers. And that gift is a blog dedicated to [WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT …………….] Misty May’s ass. NO I AM NOT KIDDING. Most of my visitors here are still looking for that damned great wall video and I DO NOT HAVE IT, PEOPLE. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO FIND IT. I JUST DON’T. But since I can’t provide you with that video, I’ll just provide you with a blog dedicated to:

MISTY MAY’S ASS.

Also, HELLO. HELLO, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS:

WHAT? THIS CANNOT BE REAL.

MISTY MAY’S ASS IS SO NOT THAT BIG, PEOPLE. WHO WOULD PHOTOSHOP THAT WOMAN’S ASS? SHE IS PERFECT JUST AS SHE IS, YOU FRIGGEN WEIRDOS!

Gosh.

Now that I have given you all my gift and been totally horrified by fake ass, I’m going to continue perving out over 19 year old US diver, David Boudia. OHHHHH MAN. He is five years younger than I am and I DO NOT EVEN CARE, BROS.

Hi, David Boudia. Wear speedos every day for the rest of your life ok? Or, at least until you turn 23.

Hi, David Boudia. Wear speedos every day for the rest of your life ok? Or, at least until you turn 23.

I’m creepy.

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I so know this spot was supposed to hold a FONT OF HOTTIES by now. But jeez. I get all distracted by the 6, 8, and 12-packs. And then I have to eat pizza. And then I have to puke. But I am so so so so so working on it, ok? I haven’t forgotten the hotties.

But I never come empty handed, do I? No, I always come to you with gifts. SO here is your gift for this evening, friends and lovers:

I still have love for the Australian hotties. Seriously.

I still have love for the Australian hotties. Seriously. L-R: Eamon Sullivan, Libby Trickett, Grant Hackett, and Stephanie Rice

I think we need to have a moment of silence so we can just admire and appreciate the artistry that is Eamon Sullivan’s torso? I mean really. It deserves a medal just for existing. I’m gonna go take a moment right now. You know.. to do stuff. N things.

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