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Posts Tagged ‘sarah palin’

GARY COLEMAN IS STILL A VIRGIN?!

I don’t know why I find this so shocking. I certainly shouldn’t. I mean, Gary Coleman — not so much of a looker, y’know? But either way.. SHOCKED!

No, really. Oh dear.

No, really. Oh dear.

So shocked, in fact, that I started to blog about it. That is, until The Google told me that Jezebel actually already covered this story BACK IN FEBRUARY. That made me feel so late to the party, and, if I may be so bold, a bit impotent. Just like Gary.

Oh well, at least the little jerk seems content with his celibacy, which is more than I can say for MOST OF THE INTERNET.

Now, instead of talking about Gary Coleman’s hymen, I’ll have to talk about OTHER THINGS, like how I’m such a slack-ass blogger who doesn’t deserve the tens of visitors I get weekly. Yeah. Tens.

I knew I’d run out of things to blog about after the games ended. Sigh.

ONWARD WE GO.

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So, earlier this week, the fanciest lil science project I ever did see, the Large Hardon Coll— HADRON Collider, I meant [cos colliding hardons has GOT to be uncomfortable] began “circulating beams,” or something, according to Wikipedia. Let me tell you, I am no science slacker. I read that entire wikipedia article and I’ve gotta say, as much effort as I put in reading that thing (and many many associated articles — thank you, wiki-ADD), I still don’t QUITE understand the purpose or what exactly that thing is supposed to do.

What I do know is that apparently a proton will travel the length of the ring — 17 miles all around — about 11,000 times PER SECOND, which is just completely beyond me. I can’t even wrap my head around it. It’s TOTALLY like that time that I freaked out about what blind people “see” in their minds since they’re… you know.. blind. Ugh. Don’t even let me get started on that one.

Um.. pretty?

Um.. pretty?

Anyway, all the hubbub about this thing has people talking and protesting the official launch of the LHC in October. According to some opponents, the creation of micro-black holes can be a huge problem for the earth, for obvious reasons. Scientists generally agree that any micro-black holes will almost immediately deteriorate due to the presence of Hawking Radiation, which I guess kills them? I’M NO PHYSICIST PEOPLE, BUT IF WIKIPEDIA SAYS IT, IT MUST BE TRUE.

Anyway, the opponents are saying that since Hawking Radiation hasn’t been proven and there is a chance that it doesn’t truly exist, then we’re in a WORLD O’ TROUBLE if this thing starts poppin out baby black holes everywhere.

I’m sorry, world. I know I’m kinda not-science-smart, and I watch Gossip Girl, and I drool over hot olympians n stuff, but WHY would anyone want to deliberately CREATE A BLACK HOLE? I find it fascinating, and TERRIFYING.

AAAAAAANYWAY. I have started three seperate paragraphs in this section with the word Anyway. That is ridiculous. OK SO ANYWAY, seriously, I have become completely CONSUMED with this black hole thing, thanks to this thread on GoTeamInternet, which in turn spawned this thread, AND this thread. Basically, like I said, I’m COMPLETELY TERRIFIED, BITCHES.

It did not help, that someone on GTI, linked me to this HILARIOUSLY HORRIFIC video by celebrity astrophysicist, Neil Degrasse Tyson, who wrote a whole book on how we all can die by things floating around in space.

THIS, OF COURSE, spawned me to google the rest of the lecture and listen to all the different ways to die, which just royally freaked me out and now I’m totally on this huge THE END IS NIGH kick, and everyone keeps telling me to shut up. But SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE. BLACK HOLES? GOD MAKE IT STOP.

——

Since I’m dumb, and want to be smarter AND understand black holes and how they are going to kill us, tomorrow I have decided that I am going to:

  1. Wake up at a decent morning hour. Like, how about 9? 9 is good, cos then I can totally do my hair while watching the Golden Girls on Lifetime.
  2. Go to Sephora and get makeup, because I ran out and now everywhere I go, I look like some ridiculous cave woman who happens to have really good, shiny hair.
  3. Go to SMARTIE CENTRAL — Barnes & Noble — to pick up a copy of the aforementioned Tyson’s book, Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandries, and also a copy of Atonement, which I’ve been meaning to pick up ever since I saw the movie three months ago (yeah, I’m totally one of those people)
  4. Go to Jamba Juice
  5. Head out to the beach so that I may look smart with my Jamba Juice, while reading my smart people book, and obsessing over the fact that, people, we are ALL GOING TO DIE. WE MIGHT NOT EVEN MAKE IT TO NOVEMBER TO LAUGH AT PALIN.

[an aside] A conversation with my mother:

Mom: You’re going insane over this. You need to calm down.
Me: I CAN’T. It’s Sarah Palin oversaturation and I CAN’T LOOK AWAY.
Mom: Don’t worry, Celisse. The BLAAAACK HOOOOOLE is gonna getcha before November.
Me: Even the Black Hole probably wouldn’t take Palin.

All in all, The Black Hole has inspired me to have a completely productive and exciting Monday! YES!

——

Speaking of the VPILF, I have literally been having nightmares about Sarah Palin. I am not friggen kidding, man. It’s awful. I had a particularly vivid one about her last night, which I can only think had to be inspired by this skit on SNL, WHICH WAS HILARIOUS, BTW:

Oh, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They made me so happy.

——

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY, to end this long ass post of ridiculousness, Party934 finally launched on Saturday. FINALLY. I thought it never would. I have two shows for them coming up this week, on Tuesday and Wednesday at 9am, EST. I’m kinda excited, since I worked really hard on the dumb shows and I want this to go over well. I’ll have tracklists and downloads posted here after each show so if you don’t get to catch it (9am is SUPER EARLY, I know), you can download and listen later. YES.

That’s all I’ve got. GOIN TO SLEEP NOW. BIG DAY OF SMART TOMORROW. YES.

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That Sarah Palin is one SASSY little MOTHER OF PEARL.

Instead of watching the RNC last night, I spent my time being productive by getting sushi with a friend. I basically win. Two nights of that crap just had to not happen ok? Ok.

I definitely was that girl and said my waiter was cute. And he heard me. TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT, since I am incredibly socially awkward around the opposite sex. Anyway, he was BRAND NEW. I can’t hit on the waiters when they’re new! It’s bad enough we have a REPUTATION at that place. I blame M. Fully.

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In wholly unrelated news, can we please talk about 90210? It was as bad as I thought it would be. To be honest, though, I was never a fan of the original, so I come in with a biased opinion to start. The storylines are the same as every other storyline about a normal small town girl making waves in the big rich city. At least Gossip Girls gives us different scenery. But the most concerning thing about the whole debacle? Observe:

Shenae Grimes (L), AnnaLynne McCord (C), Jessica Stroup (R)

Shenae Grimes (L), AnnaLynne McCord (C), Jessica Stroup (R)

This is AnnaLynne McCord. She is pretty. I can count all of her ribs, but that’s irrelevant. This girl is 21, which isn’t really too old to be playing a teenager, but she LOOKS 25, and is playing a HIGHSCHOOL SOPHOMORE. What? How stoned were the casting agents when THAT decision was made?

The other girls on the show aren’t so bad. Even Shenae can pass as a 15 year old. But AnnaLynne looks like she’s been around the well-maintained cul-de-sac a few too many times.

The final verdict? The new 90210 barely gets a C-. Someone text me when the storylines aren’t all straight out of South of Nowhere.

——

In WHOLLY UNRELATED NEWS AGAIN (look, some people post 7 times a day. I just shove everything into one long post.), I’d like to introduce you all, friends and lovers, to my new friend IKE:

HI, IKE.

HI, IKE.

This little monster pretty much exploded over the Atlantic a couple days ago, going from a Tropical storm to a Category 3 in a matter of hours, and then strengthening up to a 4 a few hours after that. Right now it’s a solid Category 3, but as it approaches the warmer waters of the Caribbean, there’s a chance it might strengthen more over the weekend.

That stupid asshole is headed straight for South Florida, although the projected track maps have been leaning it slightly more towards the keys instead of the mainland, which hey.. sucks for the keys, but I don’t want another Category 3 sitting on my porch again, OKAY? I JUST DON’T. Wilma was MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

I did the best thing ever, by reading tons of stupid crap on the Wikipedia about category 4 hurricanes, which served to do NOTHING but freak me out needlessly. I’m moronic and paranoid. But alas. In the mean time, I’m being forced to go buy more supplies JUST IN CASE, so off I go.

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Cos I accidentally missed about half of it. But I did manage to tune in and I cannot believe this is for real. I honestly don’t even know what to say because it’s kind of making me sick that this woman SOMEHOW MANAGED to make it this far in the game, because John McCain is a senile old letch, basically. If ever there was a speech that makes American’s looks as vile as the rest of the world actually thinks we are, this might be it.

Honestly, every single day that gets closer and closer to this election just astonishes me. I still cannot believe this campaign is even REAL. It sounds like something straight off of SNL, man.

NBC ORCHESTRATED THIS ENTIRE ELECTION. TO KEEP PEOPLE INTERESTED AFTER THE OLYMPICS. IT’S TRUE.

Palin’s baby is cute, not gonna lie.

Totally not incredibly CRAZYPANTS.

Totally not incredibly CRAZYPANTS.

In all honesty, I can’t even bother making any intelligent commentary because I’m so utterly horrified by the fact that (A.) She is not only supporting but RALLYING for drilling oil in Alaska, as her fans shout vulgarities like “DRILL, BABY, DRILL!” and (B.) that she has the nerve to criticize Barak Obama for something as ridiculous as not using the word “victory” even once in reference to the Iraq War. Why would anyone use the word Victory to describe a war that is not only disgustingly unnecessary, but a looong shot from being victorious?

Can we also talk about the fact that she spent a whole lot of time talking up her family, and talking up McCain’s war time, and talking up Alaska and the entire 34 people who live there, but didn’t actually talk up any of the ISSUES her party is planning to solve? Utterly useless. I cannot WAIT for the debates. It’s gonna be a LIVEBLOGGING CIRCUS!!!!

——

In completely unrelated but equally horrifying news [in a good way, if that makes any sense], I finally FINALLY have a job interview tomorrow. Usually I’m way hush-hush about these kinds of things, but I’m just excited to still be in the game. I already spoke to the recruiter and was truthful about what happened at my last job and she STILL wanted me to come in for an interview, so that leaves me hopeful.

WISH ME LUCK!

I’ve been slacking on my blogging this weekend. I’ve had OFFLINE stuff to do the past few days. SHOCKING, I KNOW. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

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My distant pseudo internet father who probably hates me, Ben Brown, was inspired by Obama’s speech the other night about how the Republicans need to OWN THEIR FAILURE as a result of the past eight years, so he wants all of us to own our failures too.

Check out OwnYourFailure.com and let everyone know what failures you’re taking responsibility for. And then comment back here so I can feel better about my own failure!

What’s my failure? I’m taking responsibility for my huge contribution to global warming by driving over 16,000 miles in just about six months. Whoops? If it’s any less embarrassing, I drive a YARIS! That’s gotta count for somethin’.

——-

In slightly related but totally hilarious news, apparently Gov. Sarah Palin scrubbed clean her own wikipedia entry just hours before her VP nomination was announced. Nice work, Princess!

Here’s a transcript of some of the highlights from NPR for anyone who can’t get the audio.

Just 15 minutes after rumor of her selection broke, a Wikipedia editor discovered something interesting.  Yesterday, thirty mostly favorable changes were made to Palin’s Wikipedia biography.

The user making the changes was “Young Trigg.”  Trig happens to be the name of Sarah Palin’s son.

The changes, all from a single source, included the addition of a quotation calling Palin “a politician of eye-popping integrity.” The edits diminished a reference to Palin’s participation in a beauty pageant and minimized a section about a controversy over whether Palin used her influence to get her ex-brother-in-law fired.

Haaahaahahha. Good job on creating a username named after your son to FAVORABLY EDIT YOUR OWN WIKIPEDIA PAGE. Too bad the internet doesn’t keep original copies of these kinds of things. OH WAIT — IT TOTALLY DOES!

Nothing spells INTEGRITY more than using the power of the internet to use selective information to spread to your voters.

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So, I know this news has been out for HOURS already and it’s pretty much on the top of every blog and social networking site  in the country at this point, but FRIENDS AND LOVERS, I HAVE A NEW FRIEND TO INTRODUCE YOU TO. Her name is Sarah Palin, and she’s a BEAUTY QUEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Wasilla, 1984!

Sarah Palin: Miss Alaska, 1984!

Look at her. She’s pretty. Apparently she’s also the Governor of Alaska or something but WHO CARES, SHES A FRIGGEN BEAUTY QUEEN. Or… she lost, didn’t she? Fine. She’s a friggen BEAUTY PRINCESS RUNNER UPPPP!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!!

Omg. She would make the White House so pretty. Lookit that hair! I want more!

So, McCain does the SMARTEST THING EVER by naming Beauty Queen Sarah Palin as his VP choice for the upcoming election. See? McCain knows what’s up. WHO CARES that she was only recently elected as Governor and thusly her greatest experience comes from being the Mayor of Wasilla, AK (whopping population of 5,470 — a number smaller than the amount of students in my highschool)? WHO CARES that he is teetering on the verge of death ON THE DAILY and might not even make it to the election? WHO CARES that he’s basically only using her because she is cute and has a vagina and is trying to use the *~*~*~LURE OF VAG*~*~* to sway the angry Hilz voters to his side?

None of that matters. COS SHE’S A BEAUTY QUEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!

This is the best campaign tactic I’ve ever seen. Who can say no to a beauty queen? Certainly not any of the educated, politically aware American democrats. WATCH OUT, OBAMA — YOU’RE GETTIN SERVED BY A BEAUTY QUEEN.

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